Friendship Breakups: the Necessary Work of Letting Go.
Admittedly, I have endured a few friendship breakups.
One of which was a somewhat psychopathic university housemate who seemed to know all too well that my kindness was my weakness and exploited my passivity for all its worth.
One was a girl I thought would be my best friend forever, in all the ways that mattered when you’re sixteen. Only, I found that it wasn’t meant to be when the once paragraphs-long Snapchat conversations transmuted into an inevitable ensuing silence that would last forevermore.
Another, a friend who went behind my back and hung out repeatedly with my long-term crush and, later, kissed him, and never apologised for it.
A more recent breakup, though, was with a friend I hadn’t ever considered not being in contact with. This was the type of friend that make a drunken marriage-pact with at 3am after too many glasses of wine, someone you’d go to dinner with, cocktails, go watch the rugby with, whose house I stayed at on many an occasion. We’d been friends so intimately, for so long, that I couldn’t envision any singular period without him. Only as I’ve grown older have I come to realise myself fully and subsequently understand what it is I want from life, and, in doing so, I have come to find that maybe we were not as good a match for one another as I had thought for so many years. In fact, even when creeping doubts like slow-building spiderwebs started encroaching, dust motes gathering in the corners of my mind where this relationship held space, I willfully ignored it all in sheer desperation to hold on to something that was once perfect.
Although the circumstances of each of these friendship breakups are wildy different, the common thread remains the same: they were not good for me anymore. I was becoming either too reliant, too compliant, or too kind against my better judgment. I knew, despite how much it would hurt, that:
I had to ultimately prioritise myself and decide to break up.
It might seem bitchy, but you can and you should block them.
The university housemate that used to trample all over me as a hobby got blocked on every conceivable communication platform possible. This was maybe four or five years ago, now. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I no longer had to face this person, and, what’s more, I didn’t have to see how seemingly epic their lives are when I opened Instagram.
The feeling of peace and serenity that will (eventually) come over you once you realise that you haven’t heard from them, you have no idea what they’re doing with themselves, and you haven’t even thought about them is like none other.
Don’t get me wrong, though.
It wasn’t easy.
There have been several moments of weakness where I have desperately wanted to see what / how they are doing, but have had to stop myself.
One, because it probably won’t give me the satisfaction I crave.
Two, because for some reason I’ve convinced myself mentally that they’ll somehow be able to see that I have finally unblocked them and I selfishly don’t want to give them the satisfaction.
Three, because I’ve come to understand that going back and looking is a regression of my development.
I’m so far beyond the hurt and turmoil that relationship caused, what would I gain from putting myself back there?
Blocking people does feel very high school, I can admit. But, sometimes it is the only way to force that distance and drive the necessary wedge between you. It shouldn’t be necessarily the first course of action (despite being number 1 on this list), however, I do find it to be one of the most effective ways of removing yourself from the relationship and the culture surrounding it.
2. Establish Physical Distance.
Physical distance creates space mentally for you to look at the relationship from a different perspective.
One of the hardest parts with two of my most notoriously tumultuous friendships—that then became breakups—was that I was within their immediate space a lot of the time. Whether this was working together, living together, hanging out in the same groups/communities, I was beholden to friendships I no longer wanted to serve because I was exposed to it on a near-constant basis.
You might consider removing yourself from the equation if you live in a shared house with this person, disengaging from group chats, or declining invitations to hang out.
Establishing distance means that you do not have to suffer the same immediacy and expectation as before.
Do you miss this person when you’re not around them, or is there a deeply buried gut-feeling of relief that you’re trying to ignore?
It isn’t an overnight sensation, in my experience, the relief of not-orbiting.
But with time, I came to notice that the quality of my life did not depreciate due to one person’s absence.
3. Reflect and Question Whether or Not the Relationship Continues to Serve You.
It’s okay to simply take a moment to reflect on yourself and your life, think about what you want from it, and decide that some relationships don’t align with that goal. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes these relationship breakdowns are what is necessary for personal growth. Recognising what it is you want in your interpersonal exchanges—communication, trust, honesty, etc.—and holding that mirror up, not only to the friend whose friendship is in question, but to yourself, too, can be the answer to understanding whether or not it is worth keeping.
Do you feel that they put the same amount of effort and care into you as you do them?
Do you actually fundamentally like them as they are now, or do you put up with them because you used to like them? Has it run its course? Would you phone them in a crisis? Answering these questions will hopefully give some perspective to the status of your relationship with this person.
4. Bridget, it’s time to get yourself a diary.
Navigating uncertain waters with a friend invariably makes everything feel unsteady and rocks the proverbial boat of what you thought your relationship with this person looked like. It can’t always be smooth sailing, granted, but it’s important to recognise the difference between a patch of bad weather and a looming storm. I am negotiating this at the moment, questioning whether it is best to weather the storm or to stop trying. Getting a diary means that you have to put your thoughts into comprehensible sentences and rationalise your feelings clearly. In doing so, you get a clearer picture of how you actually feel about this person and hopefully gain a sense of clarity.
Plus, you can say whatever you like to a diary without hurting someone’s feelings if you later decide that they are worth fighting for.
To conclude:
5. Recongise the Need to Break Up.
Looking back at it all now comes with an acrid, bitter taste. I regret not listening to the warnings of quite literally everyone about how toxic and damaging these relationships were for me. My mum, both of my brothers, my dad, my best friend, my boss, people who had only met this person in brief… they all could recognise that the relationship wasn’t healthy. But I didn’t want to hear it. At all.
Eventually, their voices started ringing in the back of my head more and more frequently. I realised that they were all valid in their opinions, after all. And didn’t I feel the fool for not listening sooner…
If the people closest to you are expressing concern for you, or expressing their dislike for someone that you associate yourself with, you must stop and ask yourself: “Why?” They’re not saying it to hurt your feelings. Recognise those around you that have your best interests at heart and allow yourself to trust in them.
I concluded that:
Certain relationships aren’t meant to serve you for a lifetime.
Friendships can be for only a brief period of life, maybe they’re not all designed for the long term.
Lately, I have been wondering if perhaps the same can be said for me. Perhaps the relationships I don’t want to let go of have run their course. The version of yourself you were when you first met and befriended that person doesn’t always align with the person you have evolved into. You can fit into a slot with that person in a particular time and space and it will work so well that you naturally assume it’s a relationship to last a lifetime. It takes a lot of bravery, in a way, to recognise that you aren’t able to be contained within the parameters set at the conception of your relationship.
It hurts to admit, and it hurts worse to let go. But it’s the necessary work of letting go that shapes the person you strive to become and, in doing so, frees both you and the friend in question of the guilt of holding onto something that doesn’t fit quite right anymore.
